What is gentle parenting? Mom describes how it works for her

By Lydia Patrick via SWNS

This mom practices "gentle parenting" by rarely saying no or shouting and encouraging her child to "express not suppress" her emotions, even if she's having a tantrum.

Namwila Mulwanda, 23, says she grew up in a "strict African household with authoritarian parents."

She feels her upbringing impacted her mental health as there was an "expectation of blind obedience" from her parents and says she's a "self-confessed ex-people pleaser."

After studying psychology and law, Namwila became fascinated by child psychology and different parenting methods.

Before having their daughter, Nhyara, 17 months, Namwila and partner, Zephi, 23, decided they wanted to raise their children using a 'gentle parenting' style - a philosophy enforcing discipline and boundaries with kindness and respect.

Although it’s not always easy, the parents are already seeing the results as their tot flourishes into a happy and sociable little girl.

Namwila, a stay-at-home mom, from Essex, UK, said: “I just want her to have the childhood I didn’t have.

“We incorporated gentle parenting from the onset, we allow her to express her emotions and want to instill confidence in her.

“It’s not simply letting your kids do what they want - it’s giving them room to understand the world with mutual respect, empathy and compassion.”

She notes that ‘gentle parents’ can still be firm and disciplined, yet there is a difference between discipline and punishment.

“There are certain things we would never do - we would never spank our daughter and we wouldn’t suppress the expression of emotion,” said Namwila.

She admits that it can be difficult to allow your child to express themselves when they are having a public tantrum because it can make the parents feel self-conscious.

She added: “If you suppress a child’s ability to feel - they could grow up unable to express their emotions in a healthy way.”

She believes that it’s better to work through a child’s feelings in a calm manner as raised voices and shouting won’t get through to the child.

"Too much noise causes the brain to shut down, and children don’t hear the words properly," Namwila added.

In moments Nhyara is emotional, her mom will patiently work through what is causing her to be upset.

Namwila added: “When children are having tantrums the logical side of their brain doesn’t work, and they’re led with the right, emotional side of their brain."

In these moments, Namwila will say: "Oh, let’s try and calm ourselves down."

"I can see you’re upset right now, you’re upset because I’ve taken your toy"

Then she would then explain why she’d taken the toy from her daughter.

Nhyara, like many tots, used to hit out of frustration and fling her body around, instead of becoming angry the mom recognizes she is simply emotional and has no intention of hurting her.

In these moments, Namwila would say: “It’s fine to be upset, it’s not OK to hit Mumma.”

Then they would calm down with deep breathing activities, sometimes Namwila will hold her hand up like a five and ask Nhyara to blow them out.

According to Namwila, "everyone is human and can get frustrated and yell" - but if you feel you’re going to lash out, it’s best to leave the room and explain you’re taking a breather.

“The basis of gentle parenting is just talking to your child from a place of respect and understanding and learning not to yell. If you do yell, you can apologize afterward and show your accountability.”

After her daughter has calmed down, it is then time to deliver a ‘teaching moment.' For example, she will explain why it’s not OK to hit...because it hurts the recipient.

Instead, they will use ‘gentle hands’ and show how she should touch her face - stroking it instead.

The progressive parents also want to teach Nhyara about consent and will ask how she wants to say goodbye to people and relatives.

“We will always ask if she wants a hug or if she wants a kiss, or if she simply wants to wave or say goodbye,” added Namwila.

The tot loves climbing and is a risk-taker.

“She wants to jump and bounce off the sofa, so we say 'feet on the floor because it’s not safe.'

She says to Nhyara: “Tell Mumma I want to climb please, and we take her to climb outside where it’s safe.”

Gentle parenting involves being intentional with your language and claims overusing words such as ‘stop’ and ‘no’ loses the desired effect.

“We only use no and stop if she has done something really unsafe," she said.

"Instead, we form fuller sentences such as ‘Mumma doesn’t like it when you hit,’ and then explain why.

“We also encourage her to do things herself and try not to intervene to teach her to be independent and resilient.”

As Nhyara is mixed race her mom is determined her daughter will be instilled with self-love as growing up she battled with issues of race and self-acceptance.

“I always say Nhyara: 'I love your hair, I love your skin,'” Namwila said.

"I tell her: ‘You’re so smart, you’re so clever, you’re so strong,’ and my daughter will repeat: ‘I’m so strong, I’m so clever, I’m so strong.

“She usually just repeats what I say with 'you’re' but it’s so sweet - and it teaches her to put out positivity into the world.”

They also practice 'targeted praise.' Instead of simply saying ‘good job’ they choose to elaborate on their compliments.

“For example, when she has scribbled something, I will say you really worked hard on that, I like the pattern,” Namwila said.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love a 'good job' - it’s just trying to be more intentional with your praise.”

While being accused of ‘raising a snowflake’ she argues she’d rather raise a child instilled with self-confidence and the tools to take on the world.

“I know I can’t stop bad things happening in the world, but we want her to have the strength within her to take on the world and to share her light with the world," Namwila said.

“You shouldn’t be harsh to your child to prepare them for a harsh world."

FUNDAMENTALS OF GENTLE PARENTING
- Only raise your voice and shout at children in situations where they are really unsafe
- Don't overuse the words 'stop' and 'no'
- Never spank or slap your child
- Recite positive affirmations about their personality for example, that they're intelligent and strong
- Encourage them to 'feel their emotions' and overcome them - even if it means having a full-blown tantrum
- Use targeted praise that focuses on a specific thing they have done well rather than a generalized 'good job'