Psychotherapist claims men fear they will be ‘picked on’ at couples therapy

By Emma Dunn via SWNS

A psychotherapist claims men "fear they will be picked on" at couples therapy – and says they "struggle to know what to do" when they are not the sole provider in a relationship.

Kristina Virro, 32, claims to have noticed a pattern in the problems couples face when they come to her and suggests a male partner’s main hurdle is struggling with his partner being an equal provider in the relationship.

She says women are often now equal and therefore searching for companionship, emotional intelligence, good sex and love from their partner - instead of a breadwinner.

Kristina says men often don’t have these skills as they are societally developed to “provide” in a relationship.

The therapist stresses it is not often the fault of men as it is down to what society has conditioned them to believe – and says the "internal rage felt by women can often be directed at their partner" making a situation volatile.

Kristina encourages men to develop their emotional maturity by journaling or talking to male friends and says women should explore their rage with a therapist or friend.

Kristina, a registered psychotherapist, from Markham, Ontario, Canada, said: “Lots of women tell me their partner doesn’t want to come to couples therapy because they have a fear of being picked on.

“Now we are facing a situation where lots of couples are dual income and sometimes the women are making more.

“Men are raised to be a provider, so they don’t really know what to do.

“In therapy, I’m not trying to pick on men but to teach them skills that society has not engrained in them.

“I don’t think this is their fault.

“I encourage men to develop being emotionally in tune and to ask – ‘how am I feeling?’ and ‘why might I be feeling this way?’

“I get couples to imagine an emotional bank account and to focus on the emotional ‘deposits’ they and their partner make.”

Kristina believes men need to work on their emotions if they want to stay in happy and healthy relationships but also looks at what women need to do.

She said: “A lot of women have internal rage from inequalities faced in terms of gender.

“These feelings can be projected all on their partner.

“So, their partner becomes the enemy.

“They should explore this rage.”

Kristina often sees couples when it is “too late” or witnesses them trying to fit their relationship into a certain timeline.

She said: “There is a huge societal pressure to follow a particular timeline.

“People are jumping into marriage and relationships without fully knowing the person.

“We should actually look at our needs and unsubscribe from these pressures.

“Pay attention to what your experiences are telling you.

“Slow down with dating and have uncomfortable conversations.”

Kristina teaches couples to look at their ‘emotional bank account’ to help them appreciate each other more.

She said: “Just like a regular bank account you make deposits and withdrawals.

“Think about which deposits you really appreciate your partner doing.

“It might be a back rub before bed, or a hug when you come in the door from work each day.

“If you're focused on making withdrawals for yourself you will find yourself having less quality time together.

“You want to observe how your partner is in every single context.”