Constant pressure to be perfect causing moms and dads to burnout

By Stephen Beech via SWNS

Pressure to be “perfect” parents is causing "burnout" in moms and dads - and stress for their kids, warns a new study.

Anxiety and depression spike for those feeling the weight of a “culture of achievement,” according to the findings.

The survey of more than 700 American parents found that more than half (57 percent) reported burnout.

Experts say that parental burnout is strongly associated with internal and external expectations, including whether they feel they are a good parent, perceived judgment from others, time to play with their children, the relationship with their spouse and keeping a clean house.

But the more free play time that moms and dads spend with their children and the lighter the load of structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health issues in their children.

The research also showed that parents’ mental health and behavior "strongly impact" their own children’s mental health.

If their children have a mental health disorder, parents report a higher level of burnout and a greater likelihood for them to insult, criticise, scream at, curse or physically harm their children.

The research was conducted by Ohio State University College of Nursing.

Lead researcher Professor Kate Gawlik, herself a working mother of four, said the illusion and expectations of “perfect parenting” can be deflating.

Gawlik said: “I think social media has just really tipped the scales.

“You can look at people on Instagram or you can even just see people walking around, and I always think, ‘How do they do that? How do they seem to always have it all together when I don't?’

“We have high expectations for ourselves as parents; we have high expectations for what our kids should be doing.

"Then on the flipside, you're comparing yourself to other people, other families, and there's a lot of judgment that goes on. And whether it's intended or not, it's still there.”

Data from the study shows that the force of expectations from what Gawlik calls a “culture of achievement” leads to burnout - a state of physical and emotional exhaustion), which in turn leads to other health issues.

Dr. Bernadette Melnyk, chief wellness officer at Ohio State, said: “When parents are burned out, they have more depression, anxiety and stress, but their children also do behaviourally and emotionally worse.

“So it's super important to face your true story if you're burning out as a parent and do something about it for better self-care.”

The new report updates the team's study in 2022, which measured working parent burnout during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic.

They devised a first-of-its-kind Working Parent Burnout Scale, a 10-point survey that allows moms and dads to measure their burnout in real time and use evidence-based solutions to help.

Dr. Melnyk said: “Positive parenting is when you give your children a lot of love and warmth, but you also provide structure and guidance in their life.

“You gently teach them consequences of behaviors. So that is a much better goal to shoot for being a positive parent than a perfect parent.”

Active listening, changing negative thoughts into positive ones, readjusting expectations for the parent and the child, plus reflecting and acting on priorities are among the strategies.

Gawlik said: “If maybe you're prioritizing making sure your house is spotless all the time, but then you don't feel like you have time to go for a walk every night with your children, maybe you need to reorganize or find a way to make both of those things work."

Dr. Melnyk says evidence-based approaches can help calm what she calls a “public health epidemic” of parental burnout.

She said: “Parents do a great job caring for their children and everybody else, but they often don't prioritize their own self-care.

“As parents, we can't keep pouring from an empty cup. If children see their parents taking good self-care, the chances are they're going to grow up with that value as well.

"It has a ripple effect to the children and to the entire family.”

Prof Gawlik added: “As one parent told me, ‘I would much rather have a happy kid than a perfect kid.’”