Therapist reveals common parenting practices she’d never use

By Imogen Howse

A therapist has shared the very common "shaming" parenting tactics she would never use on her kids - including forced affection, timeouts or threats.

Dr. Cate Vogl, from California, is a licensed clinical psychologist and mum to two children under the age of five.

At the end of May, she started posting videos on TikTok in which she discusses her parenting tips and non-negotiables, and has quickly racked up a following of 30,000.

One of her video series is titled 'Sh*t I don't do as a mum (who is also a therapist)', and while many followers have welcomed the advice, some of it has proved controversial.

Talking about the things she and her husband would never do, Dr. Cate said timeouts are banned in her house because they are "shaming".

She added, "There are some things which are non-negotiables for us.

"We never do forced affection, e.g. hugs or kisses.

"We never do spanking or any other form of corporal punishment.

"And we also don't do forced apologies, traditional timeouts, or threats.

"Some of these things people have really strong opinions on as there can be a lot of emotional attachment to the issue.

"But I'm just trying to share information in an easily-digestible way so parents can make an informed decision."

Discussing why she never does things which some parents consider 'normal', the mom-of-two argues that none of these traditional techniques actually help teach children good behaviour.

Dr. Cate said: "With spanking, the research is black and white. It doesn't teach right from wrong, it doesn't teach values, and it doesn't build empathy.

"Instead, it teaches fear: fear of getting in trouble, fear of parents, and fear of getting caught.

"And that fear might look like good behaviour on the surface - but it's not the same as understanding.

"As for timeouts, I always hear stories of people who remember being told to stand in a corner - and stare at the wall for hours.

"That is so shaming and it doesn't build any skills.

"What we do instead of this traditional isolation - where you send a four-year-old into their bedroom to 'think about what they've done' - is sit with them and help them regulate themselves.

"You can model breathing and show them how to calm down.

"I think it's important to remember that discipline is not the same as punishment.

"Discipline is meant to be about teaching."

Another of Dr. Cate's non-negotiables is not forcing her kids to kiss or cuddle anyone they don't want to - even family members.

She said, "Our kids never have to kiss or cuddle anyone if they don't want to.

"As a kid, I remember being asked to sit on my grandad's lap, and not really wanting to.

"And that's not to blame our parents' generation - they had a different understanding of things - but we now know so much more now about how important it is to make kids feel in control of their own bodies.

"The prevalence of sexual abuse is so huge that it's terrifying.

"And part of teaching your kid how to stay safe is teaching them that they do have control over their body.

"They can always say no if they don’t want to be touched. No one - not even grandparents - has the right to touch their body.

"I know it's grim, but it's also important.

"I hear all the time from adults who said they had wished they had felt they could say no to grown-ups when they were kids."

One of the mom-of-two's most viewed videos, which has been watched 606,000 times, addresses her avoidance of 'forced apologies'.

She said: "I recognize that it seems polite and I understand why people do it.

"But the reality is it doesn't teach your kids about why they should apologize.

"It's more helpful to help your kid see the other child's perspective and engage in empathy, which will help them see why an apology may be necessary.

"This is more helpful than forcing them to say 'I'm sorry' and then they walk away without understanding.

"This isn't to say they shouldn't make any reparative action.

"But sometimes a collaborative response - such as handing back the toy they snatched or helping the other kid rebuild the tower they knocked down - is better for kids."

Dr. Cate says that this focus on understanding crops up in a lot of her parenting techniques.

She explained: "Another thing we don't do because it doesn't teach anything is threats, such as when parents say things like, 'I'm taking away your TV if you don't finish your dinner.'

"Now, this threat may make them behave - but why?

"Is it because they respect you and understand you? Or is it because they are scared of you?

"The TV has no logical connection to the child's dinner.

"So again, this is punishment, not discipline."

Despite her aim of being helpful, Dr. Cate gets some backlash on her posts - with some commenters accusing her of allowing her kids to "act up".

On the video about forced apologies, one user said: "But that is so mean for the kid that was hurt and doesn't even get an apology."

Another added: "While I see where you are coming from I also hear you are teaching a future white male to not feel like he has a responsibility to own up to his actions and apologize for his hurtful behaviours until he deems them inappropriate.

"Teaching a child to apologize is also about as their adult saying 'that is not okay, that is hurtful', a conclusion they are not capable of making on their own."

Meanwhile, on the video about avoiding timeouts, one parent wrote: "That isn't teaching them right from wrong, that's telling them I can act up and mom has to sit by me."

But Dr. Cate also receives a lot of positive feedback - and says she recognizes that nothing is a "one-size fits all approach" when it comes to parenting.

She said: "Families are unique and not everything applies to everyone.

"I recognize that nothing is a one-size-fits-all all approach.

"But after being a psychologist for so long I know some of the things that, according to research, are and aren't helpful.

"So I just want to put out that information so parents can make an informed decision.

"Parenting is hard enough as it is, so if I can share information that helps people trying to commit to informed parenting, I'll do it."

You can watch Dr. Cate's videos on TikTok here.

You can also learn more about her work on her website.