Expert reveals this one habit can ruin your relationship

By Amy Reast

A relationship psychologist says couples' "parallel living" can lead to heartbreak - and shares how to fix it before it's too late.

Dr. Kathy Nickerson, 50, says long-term relationships can begin to feel stagnant - even when living with a partner.

The clinical psychologist, from Orange County, Calif., suggests couples who share the same space, meals and routines can begin to feel emotionally disconnected and more like roommates - a trend known as "parallel living".

In a world where people are constantly on their phones, Dr. Kathy believes relationships can suffer when the time couples spend together is no longer quality time and it can lead to heartbreak.

But often by the time partners realize what's happening, it's already too late - so Dr. Kathy shared how to spot it AND how to fix it.

She said intentionally greeting each other warmly, expressing appreciation for each other and scheduling a weekly "connection ritual" together can help to reignite the spark.

Dr. Kathy said: "When we get into long-term relationships, we choose a partner we want to create an emotional 'safe haven.'

"It can be painful when that emotional connection starts to feel pulled away - you start to feel lonely in your relationship, which feels worse because you never expect that when you're in a relationship.

"But now, we're on our phones all the time, reading the news, speaking to family, getting updates - it's easy to slip into parallel living.

"If I'm in one corner of the room on my iPad, and you're in the other with headphones on, you're physically together but you're not connected.

"The magic word is feelings - if you're not talking about and sharing your feelings, you're probably not connecting.

"But if you notice you and your partner are starting to feel like roommates - parallel living - you can do things to change it.

"If you ignore it, it'll grow like a crack in the sidewalk. Don't just step over it."

Dr. Kathy believes time spent together needs to be valuable to be beneficial - not just "passive".

She said if you start to notice yourself and your partner feeling like roommates, it might be a sign you're "parallel living" without realizing.

She said: "Maybe your conversations are mostly logistical and your 'together time' is passive, like watching TV or sitting on your phones.

"Emotional distance erodes trust, intimacy, and satisfaction.

"Over time, partners may lose their sense of being a team, making the relationship more vulnerable to conflict or infidelity."

Dr. Kathy suggested simple ways to tackle the issue when it arises - including affectionate farewells and reunions.

She said giving your partner a warm send-off in the morning - a hug, kiss, or some loving words - and a pleasant welcome home in the evening can do a world of good.

She said: "Reunions at the end of the day, find time to debrief and share emotionally.

"If all you talk about are logistical tasks, you're not connecting. Talk about how you feel, what's going on in your world.

"You can talk about how you're feeling about work - how you feel about your boss, your worries, things you're excited about.

"Fun positive things too - 'honey, I saw a beautiful house and I'd love to go and see it' or even what you're looking forward to watching on TV."

She said if you both work from home it can be tricky to strike a balance between being professional versus personal when you're both doing your separate work.

She suggested taking a minute on your lunch breaks to ask how your partner is - showing care and concern when you touch base before leaving again.

But she added that a work-from-home dynamic can create a different problem - feeling more like co-workers.

In that situation, she recommended making sure to schedule in separate time to live separate lives - such as hanging out with separate friends or going alone to a yoga class.

She said: "If you're always together, it's important to introduce some aloneness too."

Dr. Kathy said using expressions of appreciation and affection can help to re-connect a couple that are drifting apart - reminding each other why you love each other and reassuring each other of your feelings.

And her most critical piece of advice is scheduling a weekly date or connection ritual - and at least two hours of uninterrupted, and undistracted togetherness.

She said: "You can create rituals like evening walks or morning coffee together, and plan a weekly date or activity.

"See if you can squeeze in two hours of quality time on the weekend - a date night, or play a game, or do a puzzle.

"You don't need tons of time."

Dr. Kathy's top tips to avoid parallel living:

• Identify when you're beginning to drift or feel more like 'roommates'
• Make a point of sharing warm farewells when you separate for the day
• Have affectionate reunions at the end of the workday - debrief and share emotionally
• Intentionally use affectionate language and acknowledgements of care around your partner
• Create connection rituals such as daily walks, morning coffees - even just a 10-minute lunch break chat
• Schedule a weekly date that is two hours or longer of undistracted togetherness