Expert reveals how to tell if you’re being manipulated this holiday season

By Michael Lee Simpson

An expert explains how to spot and respond to emotional manipulation over the holidays.

Mary Jo Trombley, PhD, Associate Dean, Psychology and Human Services at the University of Phoenix College of Social and Behavioral Sciences, says that the holidays can make people more "vulnerable" to emotional manipulation.

This is often due to stress, family pressures, disrupted routines, and heightened nostalgia.

“Emotional manipulation occurs when one person uses tactics like guilt, shame, fear, or confusion to influence another person in a way that is self-serving or controlling," she said.

She added that these tactics — including “gaslighting, guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using sarcasm and passive-aggressive remarks to shift blame” — often start subtly.

Manipulation tactics:

1. Guilt-Tripping: “You may hear things like 'after everything that I have done for you’ as a way to make you feel guilty,” Dr. Trombley said.
2. Gaslighting: Dr. Trombley said gaslighting involves making someone question their own perception, often using phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened” to create confusion and doubt.
3. Victim Mentality: Consistently portraying themselves as the one who is always harmed to gain sympathy and avoid accountability.

“You may encounter someone saying things like ‘I guess I’m just the bad guy again’ or 'everyone treats me unfairly,' to not be accountable for their behavior,” Dr. Trombley said.

4. Playing the Martyr: Agreeing to help, then using their “sacrifice” to create guilt or leverage.

“A common phrase of martyrdom is something like “I do everything for everyone, and this is the thanks I get,’” Dr. Trombley said.

5. Sarcasm and Insults Disguised as Humor: Using humor to disguise insults or criticisms, then dismissing the other person’s feelings by saying they are “too sensitive”.
6. Controlling Behavior: This involves provoking a reaction or influencing someone’s behavior through guilt, threats, or other subtle tactics.
7. Love-Bombing: Showing intense affection at first to create dependency, often followed by pulling away.

“Phrases like ‘Don’t ruin this — what we have is once-in-a- lifetime’ create a sense of misplaced or controlled emotional expression,” Dr. Trombley said.

Manipulation signs:

1. You feel confused or “off” after interactions. “Confusion is a hallmark of manipulation because it disrupts your ability to trust your judgment,” Dr. Trombley said.

“Pay attention after conversations — do you feel unsettled, wrong-footed, or unclear about what just happened?”

2. You apologize constantly. “Chronic apologizing reflects emotional imbalance — you’re managing their feelings instead of your own behavior,” she said.

“Notice if ‘I’m sorry’ becomes automatic, especially in response to their disappointment or irritation.”

3. You feel guilty drawing boundaries. “Manipulators tend to weaponize guilt to override your boundaries,” she said.

“Even simple ‘no’s’ feel uncertain and emotionally loaded. You may worry you’ll upset them simply by honoring your needs.”

4. You find yourself giving more while the other person’s needs take priority.

“Manipulation often leads to a one-sided dynamic where your time, energy, and emotions are geared to serve them,” she said.”

5. You feel exhausted, on edge, or overly responsible for how they feel. “Emotional manipulation depletes you physically and emotionally,” she said.
6. You slowly start tolerating things you once wouldn’t have. “Manipulation often starts small and escalates, wearing down your ability to assert yourself,” she said.

“When you think back a year are you tolerating things now that once felt unacceptable”

7. Situations feel smooth only when you go along with what they want. “You often feel like you are walking on eggshells or you must avoid triggering someone,” Dr. Trombley said.

“This often indicates a power imbalance, and not a healthy connection.”

Tips for handling holiday-related emotional manipulation:

1. Strengthen your awareness and name the pattern. “Identifying manipulation (‘This is guilt-tripping’) reduces its psychological impact and gives you mental space to pause and regroup rather than react,” Dr. Trombley said.

“Awareness interrupts the automatic emotional response manipulators rely on and builds your strength and confidence in responding to their tactics.”

2. Set clear and neutral boundaries. “Manipulators look for loopholes, emotional reactions, or debates,” she said.

“Your boundaries should be simple and short; push down the need to justify or explain yourself as it can only reengage a debate."

She added: "Phrases like ‘I’m not discussing this,’ or ‘That doesn’t work for me,’ should be stated in a non-defensive, neutral manner.

"Maintaining clear boundaries protects your emotional energy and helps you feel stable.”

3. Emotionally detach and avoid engaging in the emotional “hook”. “Manipulation thrives on emotional reactivity,” she said.

“When you stop reacting emotionally, the tactic loses power.”