Study reveals why it’s such a struggle to forgive ourselves

By Stephen Beech

Forgiving yourself is so difficult because events that triggered guilt still feel fresh in mind - even if they happened years ago, say scientists.

Australian psychologists discovered why self-forgiveness can be so hard for some – even when we know it might benefit our mental health.

They looked at the real-life experiences of people who feel stuck in guilt and shame after making a mistake or going through a difficult situation.

The study, published in the journal Self and Identity, explored why some struggle to forgive themselves, comparing personal stories from 80 participants who either did forgive themselves eventually with those who felt they never could.

The findings showed that people who struggled to forgive themselves often felt that the event was still fresh in their minds, even if it had happened decades ago.

Participants described replaying the moment over and over, feeling stuck in the past, and struggling with intense emotions including guilt, regret, shame and self-blame.

Study lead author Professor Lydia Woodyatt says the findings show that self-forgiveness is far more complex than simply “letting go.”

Woodyatt, of Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia said: “Self-forgiveness isn’t about just moving on or forgetting what happened.

“People who forgave themselves still thought of the events from time to time, and still sometimes felt shame or guilt, especially if they were in a situation that reminded them of the event.

"The difference was, the emotions were much less intense and frequent, and the event no longer controlled their life.”

The group also made a conscious effort to focus on the future, accept their limitations, and reconnect with their values moving forward.

In contrast, the study showed that people who felt they had failed someone they cared for - such as a child, partner, or friend - or who had been victims themselves, often found it hardest to move on.

Woodyatt says the challenges the idea that self-forgiveness is only for people who have clearly done something wrong.

She said: “Sometimes self-condemnation, guilt and shame arise when wrong is done to us, or in situations where we feel a heightened sense of responsibility – even if there is no way we could control the outcome.

“Emotions are a clue to what the brain needs to resolve in order to move on from self-condemnation.

"Emotions are the hurt that indicates the site of the possible injury if you will.

“In the case of shame, guilt and self-condemnation, this is about our brain helping to work through moral injury – that is core threats to psychological needs like agency, such as a sense of choice, control and autonomy, and our need for belonging - such as being an appropriate group member or relationship partner - and live according to those shared values.”

The study also found that self-forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a process that takes time, reflection, and often support from others.

Woodyatt says the findings are important for mental health professionals who work with people dealing with guilt and shame.

She added: “Helping someone forgive themselves isn’t about telling them – ‘don’t feel ashamed for this, it’s not your fault’.

“It’s about helping them understand where that shame or guilt is coming from, and working through those underlying psychological needs, moving from moral injury to moral repair – reaffirming their sense of agency and moral identity moving forward.”

Criminologist and psychologist Dr, Melissa de Vel-Palumbo says the study offers "valuable insights" for criminologists by revealing how people process guilt and responsibility - key factors in understanding offending behavior and rehabilitation.

Dr. de Vel-Palumbo, from Flinders’ College of Business, Government and Law, added: “In this research we drew on real stories from people reflecting on painful experiences, some going back decades.

“That gave us a unique window into how people actually live with guilt, shame and self-blame over time.”