Why grandparents are crucial in tackling child mental health crisis

By Stephen Beech

Grandparents have a "crucial role" to play in tackling the child mental health crisis, according to new research.

The erosion of extended family support has led to more than four out of 10 teenagers reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, says a leading child psychologist.

Dr. Kenneth Barish believes grandparents are a "vital resource" in filling the gaps.

Barish said: “We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most parents have now.

“Children need grandparents, and they always have.”

Barish, of Weill Cornell Medicine in New York City, says grandmas and grandads have a "crucial role" in addressing a recent societal shift.

He said: “Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We.

"In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children."

He says research shows that intense pressure for achievement leads to high rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse in affluent communities.

Barish believes the antidote lies in helping children develop a sense of purpose beyond personal success.

In his new book, "The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting," he reflects on four decades of clinical work alongside insights from neuroscience, child development research, and educational programs for children to make his case that grandparents can help with modern parenting challenges.

Barish said: “Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress.

“Helping others promotes a greater balance in children's emotional lives.”

For example, studies reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin found that helping others leads to improved self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function and a longer life.

Barish recommends volunteering together and having frequent family conversations, from an early age, about the importance of kindness and understanding the needs and feelings of others.

He said: “These conversations strengthen a child's sense of meaning and purpose.

"They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more.”

As well as providing support to parents, grandparents provide what Barish calls "molecules of emotional health" – moments of listening and encouragement that strengthen children's "emotional immune systems."

He said: “A child's confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood.

"More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever."

Barish says other practical ways that grandparents can help include creating moments of "play and fun" that build positive emotions and expressing enthusiastic interest in children's interests and goals.

In findings that challenge conventional wisdom, Barish reports that the most common problem in his clinical work is not over-praising children, it's unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members.

He said: “The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism.

“Criticism does not motivate children to work harder.

"Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children's initiative and effort.”

But not all praise helps. Citing Carol Dweck's concept of a "growth mindset," Barish distinguishes between praise that fosters resilience and praise that creates fragility.

He said: “Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”

Barish acknowledges that children's behavior can be challenging, and he offers 21 rules to promote cooperative behavior in children based on both research and clinical insights.

These include engaging children in collaborative problem-solving conversations and offering them a chance to "reset" — which he suggests is more effective than punishment.

Barish added: “Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride.

"Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose.”