Expert says understanding feelings is the key to helping teens grow up

By Isobel Williams via SWNS

Teaching teenagers how to understand their feelings is "key" to helping them mature into resilient and independent adults, according to a leading psychologist.

New research suggests that rather than focusing on stamping out difficult behaviors, parents should teach teenagers to manage their feelings and relationships in safe ways.

Dr. Sheila Redfern, a London-based consultant clinical child and adolescent psychologist, says that although parenting teenagers is uniquely challenging, with concerns about social media use, self-harm, risk-taking and other difficult behavior, this stage can be full of enjoyment and connection.

In her book "How Do You Hug a Cactus? Reflective Parenting with Teenagers in Mind", she advocates for reflective parenting – which involves trying to understand what goes on in the teenage brain – as essential for building resilience and security in young people.

Reflective parenting allows parents to support teenagers in coming up with their own ideas about how they are going to meet challenges when these arise.

Dr. Redfern said: “Understanding the neuroscience of the changing teenage brain can really help parents to empathize and connect with their teenage children.

“The focus in reflective parenting is on keeping a connection with your teenager and helping them to manage, sometimes overwhelming and unwanted, feelings.

"This is one of the most important skills for life you can teach your teenager.

“By drawing out from your teenager how they are planning to solve difficulties, without pointing out flaws but simply offering another perspective of any potential downsides, you will learn how to mentalize yourself and your teenager in a way that helps them to thrive, gain independence and develop skills for life while staying connected to you.”

One key concept of reflective parenting is for parents to also check in with themselves – asking themselves if they are experiencing strong emotions and need to regulate before approaching a conversation.

Then the parent can approach a teen’s emotional distress using validation and empathy, by describing how they are feeling and avoiding putting their own opinion across.

Dr. Redfern added: “You take this self-reflective step first, then you can give your full attention and curiosity to your teenager’s perspective, and they will experience you as somebody steady, consistent and trustworthy.

“This can be extremely hard for parents as we worry a lot about our teenagers and regulating emotions is difficult sometimes.”

Dr. Redfern notes that the teenage years are an extremely crucial time for mental development, and teenagers are much more at risk of mental illness.

The statistics from the UK NHS research on child and adolescent mental health show that in young people aged 17 to 19 years, the rate of mental health problems rose from 1 in 10 in 2017 to 1 in 4 in 2022 – the biggest challenge to mental health being anxiety and depression.

Dr. Redfern said: “This is not just a time of physical and neurological change, but also of great vulnerability.

“It’s during this period of development that teenagers are much more likely to engage in risky behavior and develop a mental illness.”

The research also suggests that there are three basic biobehavioural systems that enable humans to adapt to a complex social environment: the reward system; the mentalizing, or ‘social cognition’ system, which is our capacity to understand ourselves and others in terms of our feelings, desires, and values; and finally the stress and threat system.

Dr. Redfern describes that during adolescence, these three biobehavioural systems are being reorganized in the brain and this reorganization of the systems leads to patterns of thinking, behavior and responses to others that may be difficult to understand, seem illogical, highly reactive or self-destructive.

This is because teenagers process information with the amygdala –the emotional part of the brain.

Dr. Redfern said: “This leads teenagers to be preoccupied with their own emotions, particularly when they have an overwhelming emotion, and less able to tune into other people.

“When we look at brain development, it’s factually inaccurate to describe an 18-year-old as an adult.

"Our brains haven’t fully developed until we’re in our mid-twenties. From the age of 18 until around 25 years old, sometimes even later, our brains are still developing.”

She describes that this emotionally charged brain can make assumptions that feel like fact – thoughts like ‘no one likes me, I am alone’ – and adolescents are much more likely to slip into these mindsets.

The book warns that parents who solely focus on fixing behavior will leave their teenager feeling misunderstood or unable to manage the feelings that lie underneath.

As teenagers lose their ability to be reflective because of changes in their brains, resulting in frequent states of high emotional arousal, parents can step in and help guide the process.

Dr. Redfern points out that while reflective parenting may bring about a greater connection between you and your teen, and hopefully even a calmness and enhanced understanding of your relationship – it is important to maintain strong boundaries.

She added: “Reflecting on thoughts and feelings alone is not the type of parenting being advocated here. Boundaries still count, and so does parental authority.

“There is no one-size-fits-all parenting manual but all parents can use the framework of reflective parenting to help navigate teens through the adolescent years.

“None of us can be a reflective parent all of the time, because our emotions rise and fall along with events that happen in our lives and as a result of the support (or lack of) that we get from other people.

“If we’re doing this reasonably well, then we would expect to be mentalising around 30 per cent of the time.”

The research also suggests that if parents have serious concerns about their teen’s mental health, seeking professional help and advice is key.